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Jokes
I remember one time going to a masquerade party. I was dressed as Superman
(of course) and I was dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a
costume.
My friend Bob was over by the bar watching me and the Texas gal. He saw us stop
dancing, then, out of the blue, he saw the girl rear back and slap the shit out
of me.
I stumbled over to the bar and Bob asked me, "What the hell happened?"
"I'm not really sure," I said, rubbing my jaw. "She asked me if I'd ever been to
Texas. I put my finger on Brownsville to show her where I'd been, and she let me
have it!"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the
interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle
jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her
up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit
him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took
his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day,
this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more
paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I
was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
Just reported from the Associated Press:
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this 2006 Christmas season. This is not for any religious
reason; they simply have been unable to find three wise men or a virgin in
the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years
of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been
married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least
three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
A college physics professor was explaining a
particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted
him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save
lives?"
The professor stared at the student without saying a word.
"Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of
medical school." :D
Coffee, No Cream
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
You know," he says," I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow Passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff,
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Talking Italian
A bus
stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to
spella Mississippi.''
You Can't Say Your Tax Dollars Are Just "Wasted"...
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How to Tell Today Isn't Your Day...
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How to Tell You're in a Lot of Trouble...
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Dad will never say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Helping your father
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
A parent's terrors of life
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Dorothy
What is his occupation?
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
New family driver
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
Q: Why did the chicken
cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!
Brag about parents
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
A joke is a short story or series of words spoken or communicated, ideally with the intent of being laughed at or found humorous by the listener or reader. A practical joke differs in that the humor is not verbal, but mainly physical (e.g. throwing a custard pie in the direction of somebody's face). Some jokes are not funny.
Past events
